my thirtieth year

As I lay in bed on the last day of my thirtieth year, I am feeling very emotional (imagine that. ha.) about this birthday. Thirty has been the best year of my life. By far. And starting tomorrow, it will be over.

Tonight, I want to write my feelings, document what I feel I have learned about myself. Lay it all out there.

~In my thirty years I have realized that I am a lover. I love to be loved. I am verbal with my love, for that is my love language. I love deeply and passionately and with everything that I have. And that leaves me open for hurt. And I am ok with that.

~I have realized that I am a hopeless romantic.

~I have realized that I married a man who is, in fact, not a hopeless romantic. But I have realized that a faithful, honest, steady, good man is better than a rose petal bath any damn day of the week.

~I have realized that when my dad died, it left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. That even though it has been 5 years, some days, it feels like it happened yesterday. I realized that even though I have the most amazing memories, I still feel cut short by the death of my dad. And I have realized that it's ok to accept the fact I am still not fine. Because he lives on.

~I have realized that my mom is the most amazing, beautiful and strong woman in the universe. And knowing what she has been through, to come out smiling like she does, is perfection. I hope to grow to be just like her someday. To hear "You're just like your mother" is now music to my thirty-one-year-old ears.

~I have realized that my sister and I are very different people and we will probably always butt heads because of our differences, but I respect her and who she is becoming. I realized, when my dad died, that there was no one in the world who knew exactly what I was going through, except my sister. Since then, I have had a new respect for what we have.

~I have realized that my brother and his family will not be moving to Kansas City and that is a hard pill to swallow. Even harder now that we are raising babies at the same time. I long for our children to grow up together. I have realized that there is nothing in the world I could ever do to repay my brother for the words he spoke at dad's funeral.

~I have realized that it is quality and not quantity when it comes to friends, and that having 3 soul-sisters like I do, kicks the ass of having 100 friends that I barely know.

~I have realized that I do not need to feel guilty for seeing the best in life.  I used to get offended by the word "fake" ( In fact, I cried once when an acquaintance called me "fake as fu*k"). Now, I wear it proud because I have realized that I'm not being fake, but optimistic, happy, seeing the glass 1/2 full. It's a conscious choice that some people chose not to make, but I would rather see that good than the bad and I will wear my rose colored glasses proudly. thankyouverymuch.

~I realized that you can never take back something you have said to someone and that I need to watch my words sometimes.

~I have realized that while I do not have a religion, I do have faith in something bigger. Something more.  I do not think you can give birth, watch someone die, or live daily life with a person you have created and not think about what else could be responsible. Even if my something bigger is just thoughts in motion, there is definitely something.

~I have realized that while I used to hate being alone, I see its importance now. I enjoy time by myself and I never thought I would say that. I have realized that this is something my husband has taught me.


~I have realized that the road Scott and I took get where we are was not exactly the easy road. The beginning was not my imagined fairytale. It's ok because it makes where we are now even that much sweeter. I become so easily proud of the two of us and everything we have created.

~I have realized that I was made to be a momma. That being their mom is my calling. I have realized that time is flying by with my sons. I have realized the importance of enjoying every minute of them because, without question, one day I will not be in their everyday lives, but dying to see or talk to them. I have realized how important documenting our lives is (hello, blog!) because there are things about baby Landon that I wish I had done a better job of documenting. I will never get that back. I hope that they will remember the fun we had. I hope they remember how I made them feel. I hope they will always feel the love. Because, Lord knows, I have given it to them.

Thank you so much, thirtieth year.
I have learned a lot about myself.
I have laughed.
I have cried.
Most importantly, I have loved.
Tomorrow, I shall begin my march towards 32 with a happy heart. bring it.


xoxo,
LeAnn